怎么应对别人的语言暴力? – How to deal with other people’s verbal violence? – English

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Two days ago, a friend of mine came to me with a problem: she said one of her friend is a good friend overall, but sometimes will say incomprehensible things. For instance, if she posts photos of herself having fun with someone on QQ, that friend will say sourly: ‘why didn’t you invite me?’ or if she does something and that friend only learns about it afterwards, she will ask: ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ or if she plans to do something, the friend will immediately question her ability: ‘look at you! Do you think you can do that?’, or things like that.

Dealing with that kind of people may cause us to lose our self-confidence, we will come to believe that we’re really not good enough, that we’re ignoring them, we will feel guilty, or question the way we do things and our capacity to do things.

The day before, I just received another message of the sort:

” Recently, a former friend of mine has been sending lots of text messages to attack me, and after receiving these unpleasant attacks, I started feeling very uncomfortable, it’s the first time I’ve been attacked so directly by someone, I would like to know, generally, how should you respond to these inexplicable attacks?

After the attack, I felt very bad, I thought I could use it as an opportunity to train my patience, but I can’t help thinking she did attack me, so I’d really like to seek your help and advice!!”

In my own life, I’ve also come across that kind of person, most of them older people from the 50s and 60s. People from this generation have one thing in common: in their childhood, they suffered three years of natural disaster, they didn’t experience much warmth in their family, and they didn’t have proper food or clothes; later, they went through the turmoils of the cultural revolution growing up, and all over the country, they witnessed all sorts of violence and turpitude, but in order to protect themselves, they generally needed to hide their desire and character; later still, in middle age, when economic burden is heaviest, they went through collective lay-offs, and and they got a job again, they had no place to vent their frustration. In the long run, I don’t know if most of them haven’t developed some sort of mental illness.


In 《沉默的大多数里》, Wang Xiaobo writes the follows scene: students get into a fight with people, and one man gets his ear bitten off, 后被反扭到审判厅,怕被发现证据,索性一直咬着嘴巴不说话,把耳朵吞进了肚子里。那是怎样惨绝人寰的逼着“人吃人”的时代啊。I’ve spent a while studying the causes for these attacks of verbal violence, and how to respond to them.

I’ve spent a while studying the causes for these attacks of verbal violence, and how to respond to them.

The main feature of the aggressive personality disorder is significant impulsivity in behaviour and emotions. 说俗气点,they might attack you for conscious motives, or for unconscious motives. I remember last week, I replied to a letter from a reader. I said, “unfortunately, childhood is like a cave, when you were eight, something was missing, and when you become adult, you will do everything to get that back.” Have you ever made this discover? 小时被称文静内向的人,长大后不是话篓子就是自闭。我们的表现人格在独立生活后会处于两种极端,but the goal is still to protect ourselves, 前者是为了彻底释放,后者是为了彻底隐藏。



It’s just like a little mouse, if you keep it in a cage for a long time, if one day you decide to open the door, it will either spring out with excitement, or hide itself in the corner of the cage, shaking with fear.

The attacker typically has the following characteristics:

1. Emotional irritability, with impulses and drives they cannot control.

2.The character often displays attacks towards others, recklessness and rashness.

3. The impulsive movements may be conscious, but they may also be unconscious.



6. Prone to bad behaviour and criminal tendencies.

The above characteristics are those of active aggressors. But there are also passive aggressors. These people are superficially passive, respectful and obedient, but they are inwardly hostile and very aggressive. For instance, they will be deliberately late, and will deliberately not return phone calls or messages, and deliberately undermine work; 顽固执拗,不听调动。拖延时间,暗地破坏或阻扰。Their hostile feelings and tendencies are very strong, but they dare not openly disclose them outside, and although they are full of complaints, their minds are very respectful of authority.

One interesting thing is that agressive personality disorders are often combined with dependent and avoidant personality disorders. 在生活里,我们常常会发现,那些外表孤傲、语言强断、逃避人群的人,内心又脆弱的一塌糊涂。就像独自漂浮在汪洋大海里,当他们遇到了困境,若有个人递了根绳子给他们,他们就会紧紧地抓住往回拖拽,甚至有些会把你拖下水,让你窒息。

Agressive personality disorders can occur for all sorts of reasons, but most have to do with family education. Some people among the generation of our parents born in the 50s and 60s, because they didn’t have a happy childhood, when they have children themselves, they will vent all their frustration and dissatisfaction on their children. The children of such parents are susceptible to develop mental illnesses when they grow up, treat friends and lovers with suspicion and jealousy, and tremble with fear when they come together with them.

我总结了下,the causes are generally as follow: 1. During childhood, lack of parental supervision, or too stringent parental supervision, and a lack of capacity to communicate with others, resulting in psychological disorder. 2. Revenge for bullying experienced during childhood. 3. 挫折感无处发泄和补偿自卑心造成的强烈控制欲。

提到这就说说自卑心态,大家有没有这种感觉,越是自卑的人,表现越会高调聒噪。For instance, when you talk with them, they will make a lot of gestures, almost bumping into your nose, and when you talk to them, they will interrupt you impatiently to put in their own point of view, they will put up an exaggerated performance, hitting the table, pulling their hair and threatening suicide, to vent their anger… 他们需要依赖很多的语言行为,来证明自己所知甚多或性格果敢,引起他人关注,这都因我们心理有个强大的补偿机制,我们每个人内心都有一个看不见的自己给自己治病的医生,当我们在某方面被压制了,就会在另一方面反弹索求回来,类似压下去了就会自动上翘的跷跷板。

And there’s a few people who can’t change teir life, and they use verbal threats, abuse, jealousy and other forms of cold violence to treat the people around them, as a way of compensating for themselves. 他们冲动好斗是为了证明内心强大,阻拦别人是为了证明做事果敢,对人若即若离患得患失是保护自己免遭伤害,但这又是他们内心虚弱、做事退缩、无安全感、需要他人关心的表现。

Why do we say that, when a small child fall on the floor, if you just leave them there and don’t do anything, they will stand up on their own, but if you go running to them, they’ll start crying non stop and roll all over the floor…. the same is true of these grown ups with an aggressive personality disorder. Their mind is like that of a child whose demands were never satisfied, and who never grew up, it is a huge black hole, and no matter how much comfort or explaining you give them, that will never satisfy the shortcomings of their childhood.

So how should we react to that kind of verbal violence? Here is my own mantra.

1. This is my own thing – tell these parents who want to control us, I can make my own judgement, and I’ll be responsible for the consequences. I’m a grown up, 我I have my own personality and my own ideas, and I’m not your pet to play with.

2. Do not justify and explain your every move to others – 告诉那些要不断通过摔跤打滚、骂人猜忌来吸引我们注意力的朋友爱人陌生人,我如果上前拉你,你一辈子都学不会自己站起来。

3. Go out, ‘Do it’ – tell yourself, 谁有病谁去治,这并不是我犯的错。

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source: Douban 11 January 2013
source: Image source

About julien.leyre

French-Australian writer, educator, sinophile. Any question? Contact julien@marcopoloproject.org