一些散乱的回忆 – A few scattered memories – English

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In October, Canberra’s October in a year in which the coldest season occurs, but noon feels warm. The night time temperature difference is great, summer is a blessing, but winter however becomes trouble. The Northern hemisphere’s October should be the hottest time, and to little China’s East is this way. Beijing’s October is very hot. I remember the first time going there, I chose these years’ worst two weeks. Daytime and nighttime heat was not done. But you want comparatively warmer, Beijing certainly is cold but Shanghai, especially is a place with night time mugginess that will not let a person sleep, hot and humid, to a remarking student for example it indeed would be a great torture. Remember still at university entrance exam time, the best thing to do before Chinese class is beat dehydration, although at that time I had already lived in Shanghai for four years, however it’s a year to year hatch air conditioner. How do I get enough real Shanghai summer? That summer, the entire city was just like sitting in a boiler room, heat that must leave people with no place to escape.

Speaking up, we figure it is the last session in July for testing students. From then onwards, in testing, college entry exams all changed in June. It was very comfortable. I still remember hot examination rooms. Many people’s fate after that changed. When testing English ability, testing students themselves turned off the electric fan, the doors and windows still tightly closed, and the whole classroom secretly covered the opaque fan. It was however, also quiet, and surprisingly, you could hear the sound of sweat flowing from their face. Listening comprehension done, many people’s chairs and tables were all very moist, clothes moreover didn’t have a dry place. Reflecting many years after, it was still very moving, a group of 15 year old kids, the body and spirit could endure this big of a test, just for a future. That turned off electric fan and those tightly closed doors and windows declaring a kind of belief and perseverance. I think, as a person among them, I am proud.

Sometimes on Canberra’s streets walking,you can see inside the Chinese students in the stores working. You will sigh. People just are in this way slowly growing up, up to a certain age, don’t go out to earn a few tickets and come back, you always are a little nervous. I also think of it as, domestically, there are always some sighs about the next generation living up to expectations of unfounded worry days, unaware that it is nothing more than not being of age. People grow up. Many things change. Look at the friend I have at my side, he has matured, understands the situation, is excited, worked hard, and having the fundamentals changed a person. Growing up, the theme of life isn’t always only going through every generation’s people’s different rhythms and different ways. To that special juncture, is also just the dust all settling.

Every time I stay up late reading, I can, looking towards the dark night sky, think about the past. Most of the time, I feel myself lucky. Regardless of what was exciting at that time, all quite came, especially at the key moment, always very lucky. The friend beside me had a different fate. Starting out, there is always a friend you can talk about dreams together with, talk the future, that moment you always feel you just want effort, life can be achieved, however you don’t know it’s inner complexity. This friend later in time of rising made a few errors, regardless. From knowledge or courage, all gradually pull away a distance, afterwards he didn’t even have the dreams. Best friends, are ones you only can do the same dream. If dreams are all shattered, there just isn’t anything you can talk about. There is only a quietly maintained friendship, as both sides final soul harbor. So I still determine my friendship is great and firm, because when I fail, I can return to him there, drink a glass of boiled water, chat an afternoon, and I, also towards him have hope in all the whole to him in times of despair, people who still hold hope, are lifelong friends.

In high school the two other friends, among them a three year class leader, unfortunately at least for a year was not with my class, another with me in the same junior high school, in high school always at an experimental class, their grades were good. Both are really good people, very practical, very diligent, also there are no bad brains. Before an age an excellent towards-the-wind comment, teachers are all full of praise. Later college entry exams are smashed. Entering a slightly unbearable school; not having thought at that time that college entry exams over, many people’s speaking styles all united like a big change, and as for me in these short few days time, heard countless cynicism towards him, being almost unbearable to hear. The sigh of the world is cold. Also good is that our own ambition is immortal. It is said that being at a University is still very good, always at diligent struggle to keep better research students. After, also because of the same reason for entering a similar school, I started to practice self “good college self-testing, finding a good job, marrying a good wife, giving birth to a good soon ” life goals. Calmly, life seems like travel on the right track.。

Sometimes I’m looking at the library’s tree outside, daydreaming. I will just think, exactly how are they to get over it. At first I know at the time of their news, I feel myself want to substitute them in collapsing, but the people involved themselves inversely quite managed. I don’t know if they are a moments epiphany, or open minded after long thought; I also don’t know if they replaced myself, whether I also could have done that. The whole story tells of friends from the beginning. He says there must be a way to the mountain. Life is a process of accepting.

After a few years, after I wanted to go abroad, I didn’t want to return to Songjian, that broken place. I especially didn’t like the bedroom and and the uncomfortable roommates. I would then often return home, also in the morning, or return to school. The feeling of being in the car was amazing, watching people coming and going,cars coming and going,it is always interesting. In fact from a young age I liked the feeling of being in a car, there was a kind of “on the road” pleasure. I especially liked the people beside me coming and going, to see every person amused and sad, to see leisurely strolling, to see hurriedly, busily walking stars, always thinking about this city, this country and this world’s stories. After the wheel is rolling again, taking itself to a new place, I think a lot of the people that like the “on the road feeling” like me. I enjoy dissimilar lives and browsing different them. Then let myself enjoy sobbing, the excited, the touched and having been involved, having been shared, and after just following the wheel, rail or even sky, sending myself to another place, giving a beautiful or ugly past plus a faint water mark. After, I start a completely new life.

There was a girl studying Japanese who once spoke with me. She felt I was a story person. Actually where there is some story, I only saw many different peoples’ stories. Other people’s sadness and joy, gradually also starting to unconsciously slander. Sometimes I really want to talk to people. Thank you for giving me a look at your life. It is a very good story. I like it, but that certainly is when peoples nerves become sick.

A year later, I actually figure it is a relatively unhappy time, because it is a time to leave one’s dreams far behind. When people feel achieving dreams becomes slim hope, just will be in a state of panic. Constantly questioning self worth and one’s own actions’ worth. Actually dreams are empty words. nobody knows if that in the end implies what. Really there are people with a dream taking shape. They do not have a lot of fear. But people always have this kind of instinct. I can now feel that being in the process of one’s actions are true or false, for example, now. although also by no means is all clearly exhibited before our eyes. But I know myself I am doing the right thing and I am not like last year. Also in that year, I thought every person experienced everything. Slowly towards oneself firmly rose, not again hate oneself, reject oneself, instead accept overall, advantages and disadvantages, as well as having some everyone 略为不同的东西。学会接受自己,是那懒散的一年中最大的收获。后来离开的时候竟还有一点儿不舍,却也不清楚自己不舍的究竟是什么。

学校古典学中心的桌子上,总放着一本西塞罗的演讲集,说是一个老师最喜欢的一本书。这老头儿已经年过半百了,自己的领域也早已不是古典学了,可还是记得年轻时候的感动。每周他来古典学中心参加拉丁语读书小组,总会顺手把书架上这本书拿下来,翻上几页。有一次他对我们说,其实这本书他都快背下来了,每次拿下来翻翻,看到的不是满页的拉丁文,而是满目的沧桑和满脑的回忆。故人天各一方,故物却仍在,留下他自己,心里藏着故事。

总是告诉朋友,我不想回国,而是想到全世界去走一走。在这里读个硕士,到那里读个博士之类的。这并不像一个学者的生活,缺乏点儿“定”的内涵,太多了些游走的欲望。不过确实很有看的欲望,到处走走看看,看看想想,说不定还可以想想写写。总之每到一处,总会给自己留下新的印记、新的故事,留待稍后回味。而回忆总是有很大的力量,并不只是在面对宁静的夜空和图书馆外的大树发呆时才会翻涌出来,而是无处不在、无时不有,可以把自己所有的感情都调动起来。而回忆又是苦涩的,情绪经历了无以言说的沸腾之后,找不到一个出口,所以有时候会想念远方的人,因为身边的人无法分享你的回忆。

有些故事,是无法讲述的。

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About julien.leyre

French-Australian writer, educator, sinophile. Any question? Contact julien@marcopoloproject.org